Parenting & Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotional experience in appropriate and adaptive ways. 

When emotions are regulated, it improves:

• overall wellbeing

• interpersonal relationships

• and enhances resilience in stress & adversity.

Relational connection is built and destroyed by emotions.  The most moving parts of our lives are emotion packed: love, fear,  awe, relief, compassion. 

Take a minute and recall your biggest memories in the past 5 years.  What emotions are connected to the memories? 

When emotions are mismanaged, they destroy connection: rage, anxiety, resentment, disassociation.  

It is likely you can recall negative emotional interactions and the overall impact to the relationship.

The key to regulating emotions starts with two questions:

• Name the emotions (What is this?)

• Process the emotion (What do I need?)

Most people recognize 3 of the 87 multicultural worldwide identifiable emotions:

MAD, SAD, HAPPY

Of the 3, Happy is the obvious choice.  Adults work hard to create environments to experience happiness.  

Parents provide things, experiences, time, energy for kids to be happy: playrooms, video games, vacations, sports.  

There is an EXPECTATION that with enough environments/stuff/experiences...kids will be happy.

When Sad shows up, it doesn’t feel good.  Sad can feel weak and vulnerable.

But Mad is powerful and controlling.  

Many adults will prefer Mad over Sad.

However, Mad destroys connection, so more effort moves toward appearing / experiencing / being Happy again.

This cycle shows up with families when the adults have worked hard at providing everything for their kids…

…and the kid responds with apathy, entitlement or destructive rebellion, rather than the Happy that was expected. 

When the parents have unmet expectations, they might respond with ANGER, using phrases like:  

“What is wrong with you?”

“Why can’t you just ____?”

The child will typically:

• shut down (relational death)

  or

• fight back (also relationally damaging).  

Either way…kids don’t move toward feeling Happy when parents are Mad.

Parents who desire connection with their children can start with regulating their own emotions.

Before you react: yell, cry, disengage (the most destructive tool for relationship)...

Take a deep breath.

Ask yourself:

• What is this?

• What do I need?

• Name it & Process it.

Kids feel out of control in most areas of their life...because their brains are learning everything for the first time and adapting to new experiences.  

Adult responses move kids toward:

• useful adaptation

• or poor adaptation   

A regulated, strong parent will be able to respond with calm leadership that affirms the emotional experience, but also provides stability and strength:

“I know this seems scary.  But I got this.  I have a plan.  You can trust me.”

Mature parents have skills that prevent escalation or participation in the drama as kids struggle.

They understand that struggle is part of growth. Their job is to be a strong, stable leader that instills confidence.

When situations feel OUT OF CONTROL with kids or spouses, it's usually because there's been a loss of emotional control.  

We can’t control others.  But we can control our responses—Responses that signal someone is strong, capable, and can see the way out.  

When we see ourselves as strong, stable leaders who welcome the struggle (because that's when kids grow)…we can respond more effectively.

When adults are tired, overwhelmed, and perceive their role as the fixer…

…the goal becomes to make the problem STOP.

If the problem goes away, the negative emotions will stop.  

However, this usurps the brain’s ability to move THROUGH the issue and develop problem-solving skills of their own.

Here is an example from my own parenting experience:

A 3rd grade child refuses to do his math homework.  I was trying to make dinner and prep other children for evening activities…and there he is—under the kitchen table, clearly upset, refusing to do his homework.  

As a parent, I needed him to help me stay on schedule and do what he was told.  

I had some options:

Dismiss him –

“It’s not that big of a deal.  Knock it off. Just get up and do it.”  

Solve it for him –

“Bring it here… the answer for #1 is 4.”

Blame him –

“Do you understand I have 50000 million things to do here?…I don’t have time for this. If you didn’t waste time in class…”

Excuse him –

“I’ll write a note to your teacher.  This is unfair.”

Connect with him –

This child was struggling and communicating through the meltdown.  

So I threw dinner in the oven, took a deep breath, and laid down on the floor next to him.  

“You want to know a secret?  Math is hard for me too. Somedays I don’t feel very smart.”  

Then opened the door for problem solving:

“What do you need? Let’s develop a plan together to find more confidence.”

The connect option helps both parent and kid regulate their emotions and engage in problem solving.

But remember: Brains work best when they are calm and safe.

Common Parenting Mistakes:

Too permissive – Want kids to be happy and avoid conflict. But kids need clear expectations and they’re not ready to be in control of themselves or you.  They need a leader.

Too verbal – Want kids to be tiny reasonable adults.  They aren’t.  

Stop lecturing - Too many words = loss of attention.

Too unstructured/unpredictable – Sometimes there’s a chore chart. Sometimes a free-for-all. Structure = predictability = safety.

Too harsh –This works while kids are young. But it destroys relational influence.  By adolescence, they’ll refuse to be controlled.

Anger is a sign of a dysregulated parent trying to control the environment by destroying it.

Too protective –Kids can’t fail, hurt, or experience negative consequences.  This leads to anxious kids who lack the self-confidence to navigate life.  

They never learn how to recover from failure, pain, or bad choices.

But don't give up.

Emotional regulation isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present, aware, and intentional. 

When we take the time to name and process our emotions, we create space for connection, growth, and trust.

Whether we’re parenting, partnering, or just trying to survive the chaos of life, the ability to lead with calm strength changes everything.

It starts with us—and it’s never too late to begin.